366
366 facts about me, one for every day of the year.
1. I like to smoke weed and I think I used to inhale wrong.
2. My favorite pads are Always Infinity and I don’t use tampons.
3. I just made a goal for 2012: I’m going to learn how to knit socks! It’s happening. I already know how to make scarves and I kinda made a hat once.
4. I like to sing Harry Potter in 99 Seconds while I brush my teeth so I can keep track of how long I’m brushing.
5. When I’m on my period and I take a shower I sort of bend down a little with my ass facing the water so the water comes down and rinses all the blood off of my vag. I like the way it looks. I feel like I’m washing myself off after murdering someone.
6. I love thrift stores. I just bought 6 shirts at this place in Vallejo for $8.something.
7. If I had to let one person I knew find my blog it would be my sister Nicola. She’s the only one where it wouldn’t be a total disaster/super awkward.
8. I can’t wait for it to be warm, when I can wear high waisted shorts and drink iced coffee from Peet’s and sit in the sun in the park.
9. I just realized how awkward/tmi this all is. But hey! This is MY blog and I’m going to write gross shit about myself DAMMIT. So here’s to hoping this makes me seem like an interesting person, and not just some weirdo on the internet.
10. I just remembered about the time when I was a freshman and I told Camilo I wanted to fuck him. He probably remembers. Hopefully it’s not awkward. I miss talking to him though. I wish we were friends now the way we were in 8th grade. Ideally we could be friends with benefits. That would be pretty cool, actually. But there are just so many reasons why that wouldn’t work. I want to smoke with him. Also I want a boyfriend. Only I don’t like people (like… in general). I feel like I’m making this way more complicated than it has to be. It’s not like anyone is trying to get at me anyway.
11. The only time I ever search for people to chat with on Facebook is when I’m high. I like to compliment people.
12. I think television might have killed my imagination.
13. I would fuck Justin Bieber. I don’t even care. He’s not my first choice. But I’m just being honest.
14. If it were up to me, I would end up married to Ryan Gosling, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Charlie McDonnell. At the same time. They can be brother-husbands.
15. I fully support the use of the oxford comma.
16. In reference to #14, I would like to add James Franco. That is all.
17. Here’s the thing. You can really only be about one person on the outside. But you can be as many as you want on the inside.
18. My generation needs more curse words. In middle school, “bitch” or “fuck” or “whore” actually had some meaning. Now, we just throw them around because they don’t mean anything. Other than “cunt,” which no one says, it seems like we’re out of forbidden, big-impact words. Except the n-word if you’re not black, I guess.
19. If I have a latte in the morning, my day will be fantastic. But I can’t do that everyday, or they’ll stop being special.
20. I hate it lists of things you can do to relieve stress. The only thing you can do is stop being a pussy and attack the problem. Are you stressed about finals? You know what won’t help?
Go for a walk.
Spend time in nature.
Call a good friend.
Sweat out tension with a good workout.
Write in your journal.
Take a long bath.
Light scented candles.
Savor a warm cup of coffee or tea.
Play with a pet.
Work in your garden.
Get a massage.
Curl up with a good book.
Listen to music.
Watch a comedy.
You know what will?
Fucking go study. Dumb cunt.
21. I have a favorite Greek letter. It’s μ. It’s because of AP Statistics and AP Physics. Yes, I am aware of how much of a dork this makes me.
22. I really want to go camping.
23. Sometimes I look at people in my class, and think, “hmm, I would definitely smoke with that person.” And then I realize I would smoke with anyone. It brings people together. I’ve definitely made friends that way, at Alix’s party at least.
24. Way too much of my self-worth comes from my grades. I don’t know what I’m going to do next semester.
25. I can be really condescending sometimes.
26. I really want fanny packs to come (back?) in style. Like have them be as popular/normal as purses.
27. The second I realized that pretty much all of the aspects of my life were going pretty well, I knocked on wood so hard and I knew I was jinxing it for myself. Now I’m fighting with one of my best friends. Except it’s complicated… it’s like I’m the only one fighting, and she just doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m the type of person who just holds things in and tries to avoid confrontation, but with her it’s been building up for so long, so I know that the only right thing for me to do - for myself for once - is to not just let it go. I have a lot of resentment that I’m hanging on to, and that’s not okay.
28. I’ve been thinking about change. I do realize how naive this sounds, but it just strikes me as so bizarre how some things stay the same for years, and some things change so abruptly. Take Mr. Sanoff’s class today as an example. Camilo sat behind me (ugh… I hate that this is already the second time I’ve mentioned him on here) and was throwing paper at the back of my head and it brought me back to middle school so hard. I think it’s kind of… nice, I guess… that our relationship will probably never change. (As I’m writing that, I’m pretty sure I just made sure everything will be different soon/eventually… oh well.) And then we read the syllabus… out loud… yes, I am 18 years old and we still do that…
But at the same time, it seems like everything is about to get so different. College, for fucks sake! It just has been gradually dawning on me that there are so many people I see every day who I’ll rarely get to see next year. It seems like my whole life is going to be dramatically different in like eight months. But then I realize, I’ll still be the same person on the inside. It’s weird - when I picture my future, it’s kind of like I picture someone else in it. I just can’t wrap my mind around it.
I hate to say this, but it’s like they said on that episode of Glee… Well I don’t really remember, something about how the FUTURE used to seem like this crazy distant thing that you could dream about, but OH SHIT GUYS IT’S FUCKING COMING!! RIGHT NOW!!
29. I’m starting to think that the novelty of smoking is wearing off. I really hope this isn’t just a phase. I thought I really liked it. Maybe I just did too much in one weekend when I went out drinking at the hookah bar and then smoked weed the next night. I’m just not the “going out with people to use illegal substances” type of person. I think I just like to drink/smoke occasionally. And have at least half of the weekend to myself. I need to sleep in my own bed!
30. NEVER MIND. HOLD UP. JUST HOLD THE FUCK UP. HOLD ALL OF MY CALLS BECAUSE…..
this bitch just got 100% on her AP Calculus BC final. Remember how I said way too much of my self worth comes from my grades? Well right now, I so do not care. Seriously you guys I feel so good about myself :) For some reason, I really care what my teacher thinks of me. I feel like when I do badly in his class (and yes, by badly I mean a B or lower) he’ll think I’m retarded, and I’m constantly trying to prove myself. It’s kind of a brilliant teaching strategy. But only if your students are super nerdy weirdos like myself.
31. I really need to stop underhandedly bragging about my weight to people. It’s not okay.
That said, I weigh around 100 lbs, I’m 5’5”, and I eat like 2100 calories per day. I got a calorie counter app. I don’t know why I’m like this. I wish I could gain a little weight, and then go back to eating whatever I want without gaining anything, but I’ve come to accept my appearance by thinking that it could be worse. I would (is it mean to say “obviously”?) rather be skinny than fat. And I’ve posted about this before on my blog, but it isn’t always all sunshine and daisies. It sucks when people ask if you have an eating disorder.
Ironically, I find comfort in looking at thinspo on Tumblr. It makes me feel like the way I look isn’t exactly the way most people want to look, but there is a small fraction who think it looks good. Well, girls, at least. As far as boys go… I guess I’ll just have to find someone who either doesn’t care, or is weirdly into freaky looking twig girls.
I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m “interesting-looking.”
32. I’m kind of an annoying drunk, if you’re sober. And I have a pretty low tolerance, which I think is a good thing. (Easier to get drunk!) I also randomly started liking the taste of alcohol after hating it.
33. It would be pretty easy to take advantage of me when I’m drunk. I’m okay with that, just because I know I’m still in control. It’s just that I get less awkward. If you tried to do anything with me while I was sober (cuddle, kiss, fuck…) I would just be super awks - even if I totally wanted to do it with you. But I was drunk, I would just be able to do it non-awkwardly. I don’t know. I don’t really speak from experience. And I feel like it sounds bad that I can only do stuff like that when I’m drunk. But fuck it. I’m just being honest.
34. I think one of my top relationship dealbreakers for sure is having a political opinion I disagree with.
35. I’m hopefully going to start going to the gym and then farmer’s market with Carmen on Saturday mornings!
36. I’m a second semester senior, so fuck it, I’m going to have a nice ass room.
37. Not to jinx it or anything, but I’ve honestly never done anything I regret while drunk.
38. I have absolutely no problem hooking up with random people, but I just don’t want everyone to think I’m a slut. I decided I’m just a closeted whore.
39. I think it’s bullshit to say that it’s wrong for a guy to use a girl for her body. I mean, she’s obviously using him for the same thing. This is NOT the scenario:
Boy: Wow, that girl has a vagina. I’m going to take advantage of her because of that.
Girl: (while hooking up with him) Wow what an amazing person. I’m totally going to use him for his intellect and his wonderful personality.
Next day:
Girl: I LOVESS YOUUU LET’S BE TOGETHERR 4EVAAA
Boy: lol no bye
Girl: HE BETRAYED ME :””’(((((
This IS the scenario:
Boy: Wow, that girl has a vagina. I’m going to take advantage of her because of that.
Girl: (while hooking up with him) I LIKES THE DICK AND I’M USING YOU AS MUCH AS YOU’RE USING ME.
Next day:
Girl: lol bye thanks for the dick
Boy: haha bye thanks for the vag
40. I’m starting to think everything my mom has taught me about drugs and sex is not true.
41. I’ve also never thrown up because of alcohol (knock on wood).
42. Drunk boys are a lot nicer and more respectful than I expected. Like the guy I danced with actually apologized for trying to stick his hand down my pants, and for making it hella obvious that he was feeling me up. Like… under the bra. Which is totally fine with me, I just didn’t want everyone to see. I wonder if that level of groping is normal frat boy behavior… I feel like it probably is. And my mom might say he was objectifying me and shit - but here’s the thing: if he likes the way it feels to grab my tits, and I like the way it feels to have someone do that… what exactly is the problem??
43. Also while I was dancing and he was doing that, I was like fuck… Am I just doing this because I’m insecure about the size of my tits, and this is making me feel better about myself? Because that’s a bad thing, right?
Well, as soon as I sobered up, I realized: yes, it definitely helped with those insecurities. See? Seventeen magazine was telling the truth! Boys don’t care how big they are, they just care that you’re letting them touch you! But here’s my other realization: it’s okay to do things like that! It doesn’t have to be a bad thing! If doing something makes you feel better about yourself, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it!
I just feel like we’re always taught, “Look at that slut over there, I bet she has low self-esteem and this is how she deals with it. How sad.” But you know what I think? More power to her! It’s exactly what I did. I let a guy feel my tits and now I feel better about myself, and while I was at it, I had a lot of fun and it felt fucking great. Tell me how that’s a bad thing, I dare you.
44. I had my first kiss, first hj, and first bj last night. Pretty much within 5 minutes of each other. Zero to sixty in three point five, bitches.
45. It was all EXACTLY the way I imagined it would be, which I find very interesting. Kissing felt exactly the way I imagined it would, which isn’t that weird, but the fact that I had never touched a dick before and it was JUST the way I imagined is bizarre.
46. I like dick. It’s official. And I ONLY feel comfortable admitting this now, because I’m SO certain about that: I used to wonder if maybe I liked girls. Not really sure why. I can’t really put it into words. But now… I’m positive that I don’t.
47. I don’t feel bad about hooking up with random people. But for some weird, illogical reason, I don’t want to lose my virginity like that. After that? I’ll have as much casual sex as I want. But I want my first time to be special. Fucking society! Who even decided that putting a dick in your vagina was this important?? It doesn’t make any sense!
48. I am a contradiction. Last night does not match up with this morning. How does a person go from hand jobs behind a tree and on a park bench, to a shopping spree at Michael’s for knitting needles and coloring books? Fuck you colleges, I may not have a lot of extracurriculars, but I am one well-rounded mother fucker.
49. You know what I’m about to do? Get a juice box and a coloring book and watch That’s So Raven on YouTube. Fuck yeah I am!
50. Just because you’re smarter than everyone else when you’re sober, does not mean you’re any smarter than anyone else when you’re drunk.
51. I’m writing this a week after I wrote #50, but that’s something I’ve learned. I think it’s pretty important. Just saying.
52. I feel like such an asshole for not having read The Hunger Games.
53. I’m scared everyone in my short story class is going to think I’m a weirdo for writing the story I wrote.
54. You know what? I’m kind of worried that there aren’t 366 facts about me. Am I really that interesting?
55. After going on this “diet,” I actually feel a lot better. I don’t feel physically ill after binging! (And I never felt guilty about it.) (And that’s if you can actually call it binging. I’m not sure.)
56. I’m really scared that I’m maybe not as close with Carmen as I was before. Honestly, I feel like I’m definitely better friends with Annie. It also really sucks that they’re definitely growing apart.
57. I would love to go to a bar. I’m sick of having my only options for drinking be get drunk at someone’s house, wander around outside, or go to a slightly sketchy party. It’s really annoying.
58. I want to be best friends with a hot guy who I can get it in with regularly.
59. If I could change one thing about my body, I would get rid of my hymen.
60. I can’t smell.
61. I’ve never broken a pinky promise in my whole entire life.
62. It bugs me that there’s no general consensus as to whether it’s Farmers Market, Farmer’s Market, or Farmers’ Market.
63. My favorite number is 8.
64. I actually really like anatomy and sometimes I read my textbook for fun.
65. I want to major in bioengineering or biomedical engineering.
66. Maybe I’ll be a heart surgeon.
67. I think sine is female and cosine is male.
68. Pi = 4(1-1/3+1/5-1/7+…+(((-1)^n)1/(2n+1)). This makes me so unbelievably happy.
69. I have in fact 69’ed. His name was Cooper.
70. I am very, very condescending. EDIT: Fuck, I already said that. Oh well.
71. My favorite flowers are tulips. Hence the url.
72. My second favorite flowers are daffodils.
73. And my third favorite flowers are daisies.
74. It’s really hard for me to get past it when a guy is short.
75. I’ve decided I’m going to marry that type of guy who’s kind of nerdy and smart but also cute and sweet. It’s just a part of my future.
76. If I thought I was fat, I know I would have an eating disorder. I think I have the willpower and I know I have the control issues, and the OCD to meticulously count every calorie.
77. I love tie-dye.
78. I like to count how many different types of flowers I can see while I’m walking. It makes me really happy.
79. This list would be a lot better if I actually got myself to do it every day.
80. 65-92 are from April 11th. I’m pretty bad at this.
81. I need to learn how to walk in heels.
82. Okay, so I know it sounds like I’m making excuses, but I think I actually would rather not have a prom date, and I’ll tell you why. For one, there literally is not a single person at this school who I would say yes to if they asked me. The guys I’m friends with suck (sorry) and the guys I’m not friends with, I would just be awkward around the whole time. Also, I plan on just getting stupid drunk and probably dancing with a lot of people and most likely embarrassing myself at least a little bit. And whore that I am, I do not want to be stuck with the same person all night.
83. I told Annie I trust her judgement more than my own. That’s not what I was thinking. The truth is, I trust her more than I trust myself, but that just seems like a weird thing to tell her.
84. I’m probably either going to UCLA or UCSD next year.
85. I guess it’s a good thing to get a bit of a reputation among certain people now. It’s at the end of high school, and I can (hopefully) learn from it so I don’t make the same mistakes in college. We’ll see.
86. I need to learn how to roll a joint better. It’s embarrassing.
87. It’s been almost four months and I’ve still never washed my American Apparel hoodie.
88. I’m scared I’ll look back on this list and think 18-year-old me was a fucking idiot. Well hello future self. Just so you know, I don’t think I know anything about anything as far a what I talk about on here goes. Especially anything drug/alcohol/sex related. I know I have a lot to learn.
89. I cringe when people use than instead of then. It’s even worse than getting it wrong the other way around.
90. Some people need a spelling lesson. It’s dollar, not doller. And it’s Saturday, not saterday. See? See how condescending I can be?
91. If you’re an adult and you use the letter u in the place of the word you, I will judge you.
92. I love my moms equally, but I’m not going to lie, I think I like Jill better.
93. A lot has changed in the past few months. Just look at 33! Jesus.
94. I think Julian very eloquently summed it up in December with his lovely adage, “LOL @ ur life.”
95. I like Mr. Sanoff. I’m honestly not even sure in exactly what way. Or why.
96. I enjoy the way he dresses, though. And the way he drinks mate all the time and always looks ridiculously happy.
97. Well, I read The Hunger Games. They were pretty good. Too much summary, though. But I AM KATNISS. FUCK YEAH SIDE BRAIDS.
98. (Today is 4/22) I’m getting a bunch of my friends to make me shit to put on the wall of my dorm.
99. I don’t know if I’ve already said this, but one of the things that helps me not do stupid shit when I’m drunk is to think about how Camilo and Jamie and Arturo would sound talking about it the next day.
100. I’m trying to convince myself that it would be okay if I got a B in Mandarin this semester.
101. I just started going on Reddit. That’s really bad.
102. I just feel like if I don’t get an A in that class because I spent all of my time drinking, smoking, or going on the computer, I’ll really regret it. But you know, now that I think about it, I think I would rather look back in 10 years and say, “Wow, I had a lot of fun, even though I spent the majority of my time on the Internet. I’m glad I didn’t kill myself over the stress of getting an A in a class about a language I’m not going to remember.”
103. I don’t mind sitting at home doing nothing, but as soon as I start thinking that everyone else is going out and having a good time, I get really upset.
104. I’m going to make Dixie a tea cozy for Mother’s Day.
105. I’m really excited for prom, but I wish there weren’t any issues around what group of people to go with. I can’t say I didn’t expect that to happen, though.
106. My schedule next week? Monday - 10 am class. Tuesday and Wednesday - 1 pm class. Thursday - 1:30 pm class. Friday - 12 pm class. And I’m getting In N Out one day, and brunch with Nicola and Tiana another day.
107. I’m worried about Steven.
108. I wish I was better friends with Chelsea.
109. I have this nasty ass rash. But it makes me appreciate my body a lot more. I’m scared I might get fat though since I haven’t looked at my stomach for more than a minute in over a month.
110. I’m scared of gaining weight in college. I know if I gained a few extra pounds I would still be skinny and stuff (I weigh like 100-105 lbs. right now) but I feel like being the stick skinny ana-looking girl is kind of my “thing.” It’s part of my identity now, I guess. I’m just so used to it.
111. I am so fucking scared of bees.
112. Back to the topic of sex… sorry… I guess I’m maybe starting to get why people think girls who fuck randoms don’t respect themselves. Here’s the thing - based on the guys I’ve barely hooked up with, none of them know what the fuck they’re doing. Also, if we can trust Cosmo, most women don’t even have orgasms from intercourse. So why go out and have sex? It makes sense if it’s meaningful because you’re in a relationship, but for me, meaningless sex actually just has no point. These guys can’t do anything any better than I can do when I’m in my room by myself. Obviously, I’m a virgin, but I just feel like the benefits (having fun, I guess, but not tooo much fun) don’t necessarily outweigh the risks (STDs, pregnancy, feeling guilty, being disrespected, getting a bad reputation…). It also helps that I’m pretty sure I might hold the record for world’s thickest and most impenetrable hymen.
113. That’s actually a really good name for a username/throwaway email/url/band/etc. impenetrablehymen. Copyright 4/22/12 by me.
114. Not even going to lie, I’m kind of excited for the calculus exam tomorrow.
115. I am WAY TOO HAPPY that Julian FINALLY told me he’s gay!
116. Well, it’s on the notches page, but it finally happened with me and Camilo. Oh well. YOLO.
117. I want Wesley to just… asdhuiwekhrfsdklvci. I don’t know. That’s really a terrible fact.
118. Prom was great though. I like the majority of people at our school. I had a really good night.
119. I made a doctors appointment for my hymen.
120. My uterus’s name is Lucy.
121. I always talk to people and end up seeming like a huge creeper when I’m drunk.
122. I called Mark a pussy, tried to message him to apologize, and then remembered he deleted me on Facebook.
123. Dixie is being way too clingy now that I’m about to go to college.
124. Aaaaaaaaaaaand both my moms know I drank at prom.
125. Vitamin Water is the shit when you’re hungover.
126. (next few posts are from 5/19, after Fred’s party) May 18, 2012 marks the first time I ever made a guy have an orgasm.
127. I swallowed. It tasted like chicken.
128. Turns out I kissed Sam at prom. I 100% do not remember that. At all.
129. I have to play at the recital tomorrow and I have never, ever practiced my guitar song.
130. I’ve been fucking with Camilo for way too long. We obviously have an interesting relationship. This FIFTH Camilo-related fact. That’s not okay. I wish he wasn’t so relevant in my life. He’s just such a douchebag, but then I remember that there was a very brief period of time in like eighth grade where he stopped acting like that. I guess the middle schooler in me just wants that back. And I’m hoping it’s buried deep down, but sometimes I really don’t know.
131. I’m seeing the doctor the day after tomorrow for the vag situation. I’m also considering going on the pill, but I’m not sure. (I’m still a virgin.)
132. YAYOI TOLD ME SHE THOUGHT I WAS PRETTY. AND SHE STALKED MY PICTURES ON FACEBOOK. I guess I shouldn’t care so much what the popular people think about me. But I’m really flattered because I didn’t even know that she knew who I was.
133. The night after a night of drinking, ie the night after a day of being hungover is probably the best sleep ever.
134. I can’t decide whether or not I regret hooking up with Sam….
135. I’m in the middle of trying to explain the connection I think there is between having two feminist moms, and the way I behave when I’m drunk around guys. I really want to be able to put it into words so I can tell Annie. But I’ll post it up here when/if I figure it out.
136. I am a strong and independent woman and I don’t need other people to tell me what is or is not right for me. I make my own choices and I own them and stand by them. If you’re going to judge me for that, then you’re probably not a great person for me to be friends with. If I care about you, it will be hard, but I have to remember that people who are like that are not necessarily the type of people who deserve for me to put the effort into pleasing them. I have a great group of close friends and I’m very grateful for that, but new friends are great too. However, I can live without the ones that think they know more about my life than I do. And while I do have a reputation to uphold, I have to draw the line somewhere between being myself and not earning myself a bad reputation. I’m so glad that I’m starting to feel where that line is before college starts.
137. So I saw the gynecologist today. She gave me some numbing stuff and I guess I’m supposed to just try to stretch out my hymen with a q-tip until I graduate to tampons. If that doesn’t work, there might be the option of actually getting surgery done. We’ll see.
138. The only people in the whole wide world who know about this problem are my mom (Jill), my gyno, Nicola (if she remembers from like freshman year, which she doesn’t, because honestly she doesn’t really pay that much attention to my life), random Internet strangers, and… Sam. If he wasn’t too drunk to remember. Well that’s embarrassing.
139. I’m the type of person who will hook up with you and then want to be friends with you. Do not ignore me because you think I’ll be awkward. Do not ignore me because I’m a girl and you think I’m going to get attached.
EDIT: (1/1/13) I don’t really mean be friends, friends. I meant like, kind of a “‘sup” nod in the hall and a smile like “congrats on getting laid” “hey you too.” That’s all.
Okay, now that I’m thinking about it, I think I may have sort of misunderstood the meaning of casual sex, friends with benefits, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. I guess I just want people to be nice to be and be attractive and have sex with me and be okay with me doing that with other people. Dammit. I think I’m finally approaching the next point in my life where I don’t actually have a clear idea of what I want. Okay. Plan: First time I go out when I get back to LA, have sex with someone completely random. Do not exchange numbers. No Facebook. No intentions of ever getting in contact with him, no matter how good the sex was. And then I’ll see how I feel.
I haven’t had the YOLO mentality enough lately.
140. Oh and I named my hymen Simon. Yep.
141. Okay, so I made a note that I would talk about this theory that I sort of have. It’s kind of weird and there’s probably no truth to it, but I think I might have a hormonal imbalance that makes my brain behave more like a man’s in terms of how I feel after hooking up with someone (not having sex - again, still a virgin). And that hormonal imbalance also makes my body kind of boyish, ie, skinny, very small breasts, almost no hips.
Unfortunately, the note I made for myself says to talk about two theories about hormones, my body, and my brain, and now I can’t remember what the other theory was, or if by “two” I mean 1. my brain and 2. my body. Anyway, if I remember, I’ll write about it.
So I’m not sure if this is accurate at all, and maybe I just think my brain is “different” because I’ve been reading way too much Seventeen Magazine and watching too much tv and too many movies, but I sort of talked to Tiana about it, and from what she said, it seemed like she had a “normal girl brain” and that I definitely felt differently than she did the morning after something happened. I don’t know. Maybe we’ll see. Maybe we’ll never know. That’s life, isn’t it?
142. (5/22) So here’s the plan. From now on when I drink, I’m only going to make out with guys. Then, once I’ve gotten the hymen situation… situated… I’ll go farther than that again. I really want for a guy to be able to eat me out but that’s not really much of an option at this point. But I’m ready. Emotionally at least. For sure. I think I have been for a while. I’ll reevaluate everything when I can get that fucking tampon in.
Losing my virginity is a whole different thing. Right now, I think I would probably want to wait until I at least had someone to do it with who I was friends with. Not some random guy I just met, not someone like Sam that I don’t really know, and not someone who gets awkward and might not talk to me. IF ONLY CAMILO WAS ATTRACTIVE AND DIDN’T ACT LIKE A DOUCHE IN CLASS OH MY GOD THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING!! First world problems. I know. But still. It’s hard not to get upset about this. I sound like such a whiny cunt. Stop it.
143. (6/1) (ditch day) I think drinking sucks when nothing eventful happens.
144. I’m such a bitch to Camilo. It needs to stop. I either have to be nice to him, or just realize that our personalities will never be compatible.
145. I’m on the Friday of my last ever Dixie weekend and she’s mad at me because she said, “Are you going to stay in your room all night?” and I said “as opposed to what?” and then she came in my room later just to tell me I was being disrespectful. And now I don’t know how to apologize to her. I wish we had a better relationship. I wish that I wanted to just be out of my room and talk to her. I’m like that with Jill and the fact that it isn’t naturally like that, plus the fact that I’m not really doing anything to change things, makes me feel beyond awful.
146. I actually kind of really like my body these days. It’s taking a turn for the better, for whatever reason. Still got that rash a little bit though. I haven’t worn a crop top since March, probably. Fuck you, Cooper. I somehow blame this on you.
147. I don’t want to write this because I’m going to sound like such an idiot but for the first time, there’s a slight possibility that my period not coming on day 24 (the average) and that today is day 28 could be a sign of pregnancy. I’m really really paranoid because I was drunk when I gave Sam a blow job and my drunken ass might have slightly brushed by my naked vagina with an ejaculated-on hand. When we were in the room, I asked him, “What if I get pregnant?” and we were both like “abortion” and my sober self is in 99.9999999% agreement but I just can’t believe that this is even something I have any reason at all to actually worry about. And if I had a gun to my head, and would be instantly killed if I got the wrong answer, and was asked if I actually thought I was pregnant, I would say no, but oh my god when (if??????) I get my period, I will be so ridiculously relieved. Also, I think I was probably in the “most fertile” phase of my cycle. So there’s that. All I know is, no more sexual activity beyond making out for a while. At least until I figure a few things out.
148. If anything, this has made me decide I’m completely pro-choice.
149. I’M NOT PREGNANT.
150. And if people ask, from now on my favorite color is red.
151. When I’m bored, I started playing that alphabet game where you think of a word in a category that starts with A, then B, then start over and get to C, then start over and get to D, etc.
152. The relief of not being pregnant is one of the best feelings in the world. I was so excited, I almost took a picture of the toilet for the internet.
153. (8/3) I CAN USE TAMPONS NOW. I don’t know what happened. But I can do it!
154. If I’m upset about something one of the only things that can make me feel better is to think of reasons that I should be grateful to have the problem.
155. Missing people sucks, though. I wasn’t really worried about things being different when I saw people during breaks until Madison had to go and point that out.
156. Overall, alcohol has made me feel better about myself, whether I’m drunk or sober. So fuck off, Seventeen Magazine.
157. I’m about to shit my pants about orientation. I’m scared to meet people.
158. I appreciate my moms a lot more right now than I have in the past.
159. Now that it’s the summer before college, I’m realizing that I really do have a smallish group of people that I really really care about and then everyone else that I was friends with or sort of friends with, I either don’t give a shit, or I know I won’t give a shit within a year.
160. I even miss Annie’s parents and grandma!
161. My mom has sort of conditioned me to clean up my shit, but only when I’m away from home for some reason.
162. I want to start doing that thing where you say your two favorite moments from the day, every night.
163. I feel like I need to address the issue of my virginity again, even though I haven’t thought about it in a while. Basically, this: there’s no one in my life right now who is a great candidate to take it. Which gives me two options: do it with a random person, or wait for someone who I trust, like, etc. Either way, there’s not much I can do about it right now. So I’m going to stop worrying about it.
164. I really hope that Carmen and I actually do this blanket.
165. I never actually watched like any of the 90s tv shows. My mom let me watch PBS. I didn’t even watch Disney channel until like fifth grade.
166. I want to live in maybe Northern California when I grow up. Like Tahoe or something. Somewhere in the forest. Like when I retire.
167. I’m still trying to learn how to drink in moderation. It’s not going so great.
168. On nights like these where I’m just hanging out at home by myself, I really wish I could just smoke in my room. Like I wish it was legal, socially acceptable, and okay with my mom.
169. I don’t actually like dogs that much.
170. I always pretend that I’ve seen certain movies that everyone else has seen, like Titanic, for example.
171. I really wish I could see the stars better where I live.
172. I think when I was high or drunk half of the time it used to be that the shit I would do would just be based on the stereotypes of being drunk or high but a few months ago I legitimately smoked at the place Madison was housesitting and stared at a big red bowl and thought about things I could fill it with for what felt like a really long time.
173. I still have a mother fucking rash.
174. I want to sing in the car more and paint my nails but it’s just awkward because I never really did before and this sounds so stupid but I’m going to have a fresh start on those two tiny little things because I’m going to college and that makes me happy.
175. I would be a lesbian for Rihanna and Beyonce. I told Carmen that while I was drunk at Jenna’ cabin and no one ever asked me about it later, but if they did, I would completely stand by everything I said.
176. Apparently, (some/most?) lesbians like girls’ moaning the way I like boners. It makes sense.
177. I think I’m going to tie dye a comforter cover for college. And then put up hella pictures of me and my friends in nature. I’m going to look like way more of a hippie than I actually am.
178. If I can find the paper from the back of one of our readers in Mr. Bye’s class where Annie wrote the colors she wanted, I’m going to make her a care package that includes a bracelet, her Panama shot glass, her Nessie pipe, and other stuff.
179. If Jill searched my room, she would find weed, Nessie, the pipe I bought in its case, the pipe I’m supposed to give to Boothe, the metal mini pipes, the blue pipe, lighters, a flexible flask, several shot glasses, and an empty handle of vodka. And she saw my debit card record with the cigar shop thing. Um… yeah. I really thought she knew I smoked. But I guess she didn’t. And I figured if she didn’t know and found out, she’d be okay with it since she already knew I drank. But apparently she’s going to be kind of chill, but still not really okay with it, which sucks.
180. (8/27) I almost had sex but he couldn’t get it in because my vagina is too tight.
181. I’m glad I didn’t lose my virginity.
182. I think I’m going to wait to lose it until there is a viable candidate. My only rule (at this point) is that I have to be sure he’ll know my name in the morning. I want to say it’s a rule that I knew him well-ish before that night, but we’ll see. I just don’t really want it to be to someone who doesn’t have any clue who I am. But we’re past the point of waiting for someone I’m in love with. It’s probably not going to work out to being someone who I know well/really trust. I just don’t want to have to wait that long. Because I know that even if I had lost my virginity to someone I loved, by the time I got to college I would want to be sleeping around with randoms anyway.
183. I’m really bad at keeping in touch with people and that scares me.
184. I like cutting pictures of clothes out of magazines.
185. Judging by all the food wrappers I found while cleaning out my room, it is a wonder that I was not morbidly obese. Seriously.
186. I don’t like touching my own vagina. Like, at all.
187. I think I’m a lot better looking now than I did before. Reasons why are up for debate and open for analysis. Go for it, future me. You know better than I do.
188. I really, really wish I could see the stars more.
189. This month is really weird, like it feels like everyone is starting their new lives but I’m still in Berkeley for some reason.
190. I learned how to make handwarmers.
191. I should be a better older sister to Flynn.
192. I’m more than happy for Jill to leave if I get to housesit, because I’m able to have a few days totally to myself, but when someone else is housesitting, I’m kind of sad that she goes to Woodside rather than staying in Berkeley. Even though I wouldn’t even see her that much anyway. I don’t know.
193. I draw inspiration from Hermione when I need motivation to study.
194. I’m really, really proud that I’m going to UCLA.
195. I finally started listening to Lana Del Rey.
196. I hate when people are famous for being on reality shows. The Olympics were kind of a nice break from that.
197. I want to pee in a measuring cup and time it so I know my volume rate of flow.
198. I will always call it a binder reminder.
199. The first boy to ever make me have an orgasm was Valentino.
200. That’s the person I almost had sex with.
201. Condoms make dicks taste really bad when you take it off.
202. I wish porn had more attractive guys.
203. I’m keeping track of my weight so I can graph it. This is an example of the weird math things I like to do. I do statistical tests on it too. I really don’t know what to make of that. I guess it’s a good thing that I’m going into engineering.
204. Julian bet me $20 that I would lose it to Camilo.
205. I really don’t want to put effort into making friends in college. I’m not excited for that.
206. For someone going to a college with 25,000 undergrads, I sure do enjoy spending time by myself for a week a lot.
207. I seriously enjoy shopping for school supplies.
208. I hope Staples still sells those notebooks I like.
209. I’m even specific about the type of mechanical pencils I use.
210. The highlight of my evening is going to be watching the first episode of this cycle of America’s Next Top Model and that is just fine with me.
211. (10/27/12) - I’ve hooked up with Jason, Justin, and Ken so far and I can’t figure out what my type is other than “smokes weed.”
212. I’m having a good time in college but I just feel like I haven’t actually found my real friends yet.
213. Virginity is a social construct. I 10% don’t care anymore, and the only thing stopping me now is my vagina.
EDIT: I either meant 100% or 110%. But I’m going to leave it because if this were anyone else’s life it would be a hilarious Freudian slip. Actually, I’m extremely happy about the way I lost my virginity. Now that it’s “gone,” I really can say that for me, it was nothing more than a social construct. But I’m happy with the choices I made, and I even have a semi-legitimate, non-clusterfuck-hot-mess story to tell.
214. I started the pill.
215. My favorite cheese board pizza is corn and green chile and lime and goat cheese.
216. I don’t really miss my family.
217. I mostly just miss the comforts of home, my friends, and the food.
218. I got a fucking 98 on my first math midterm, so fuck you.
219. I’m over Camilo. I kind of forgot about him until he called me.
220. I have 5 reasons I want to hook up with Jason again.
221. First and foremost, I want my earrings back.
222. I want to see if he has a freckle on his ballsack like Ken does, or if I’m just imagining things. That would be fucking weird.
223. He’s really fucking good at eating me out.
224. He up keeps a pretty constant stream of compliments about how hot I am.
225. I need to stretch out my vagina, and his dick is smaller than Ken’s I think.
226. I think Noah is really cute and he fucking reminds me of charlieissocoollike and we have the same favorite cheese board pizza.
227. I would probably try anal.
228. I want a guy who will pin me up against the wall.
229. My goal for the year is to be wined and dined and 69ed.
230. Honey Jack Daniels is probably my new favorite alcohol.
231. I automatically assume any guy who talks to me wants the V.
232. I have found LA’s Wesley, and it’s Sunny.
233. I would bang my British chemistry professor.
234. I can fit my hairbrush handle up my vagina now.
235. I think not wanting to go down on me might actually be a dealbreaker for me.
236. I tasted my own vagina, and that shit tastes disgusting.
237. I might try to eat more fruit and see if that helps.
238. I want to help Lupita lose weight, but only because I think it would make her feel a lot better about herself.
239. If she hadn’t told me she thought he was hot, I would have hooked up with David. And now she’s not going to do anything about it.
240. I’m ridiculously good at math, and okay in my other classes, so I guess I’m just going to hope I don’t have to start doing any real-world things soon.
241. I feel like when I’m reliving the glory days of high school, it’ll mostly just be me talking about how well I did in my classes that don’t really have any real-world applications.
242. I beat a senior frat guy in beer pong the first time I ever played.
243. I want a friend here who’s a girl an parties the way I do and acts the same way with guys. And thinks it’s hilarious if we drunkenly make out at a party.
244. I’m scared for Parents’ Weekend when they will inevitably ask me what I do with my time when I’m not in class or studying.
245. It’s actually really exciting that everyone here thinks it’s so cool that I have two moms and come from a sperm donor.
246. I’ve decided that when people ask, I’m going to tell them that Mean Girls is my favorite movie.
EDIT: Yeah… that made me sound stupid when Ken asked. Oh well.
247. I really miss Thrift Town.
248. My favorite tree is a redwood.
249. I have way higher hopes that Annie and I are totally not going to have that “the end of the way things used to be,” but I feel like I might be jinxing it by saying that.
250. The brunch in the dining hall is actually really good when you’re not hungover.
251. (10/30/12) (the next few are from those ask me anything posts) I’ve never self harmed.
252. I’ve never really been to a concert before.
253. I’ve never smoked cigarettes and I hopefully never will.
254. But I really like hookah.
255. I’m being less awkward by brute force because I think awkwardness is mostly all in your head but if that doesn’t work, then nothing will and I’ll just embrace my awkward self.
256. I don’t really like tattoos on guys.
257. I haven’t had chocolate milk since elementary school.
258. My favorite name for a boy is Sebastian.
259. I’m going to be a bunny for Halloween so I can wear my silver sequined crop top tomorrow.
260. (11/2/12) I want to have sex with Jason on Thursday and I’m actively working on stretching my vagina almost every day.
261. Two nights ago I was able to put my whole hairbrush handle in my vagina over and over again.
262. I really with I had worked on this before college.
263. I actually seriously do not want to have sex with Camilo. Not even when I was drunk.
264. I want to hook up with way more random people and I don’t think there’s any way that will work if Justin keeps coming out with me.
265. If Justin would just go down on me and not get so nervous about fucking me, my life would be considerably easier.
266. I’m probably going to have to change my major.
267. I need a more reliable fuck buddy.
268. I don’t want a boyfriend but I want a guy who will just hang out with me and we can eat food and get really high together and watch tv and fuck. So basically if that happens on Thursday I will be so so so so happy. Do you hear that, Jesus? SO HAPPY.
269. I’m a little bit scared that I don’t have anything helpful to offer society.
270. If I have my period on Thursday or am spotting I will probably cry.
271. If I didn’t pass my chemistry midterm I will definitely cry.
272. I miss hearing my bird clock.
273. If I could be anywhere in the world right now, I would want to be on an enormous bed in a clearing in the middle of the forest looking up at a zillion stars
274. Before I left for college Jill kind of told me that she was worried about the fact that I didn’t ever want a boyfriend because of all of the terrible examples of relationships that I’ve seen. She might be right.
275. I can’t tell if hooking up with guys is an unhealthy thing that I do for attention and to feel better about myself or not. How do you know?
276. I know I’m not a special snowflake, but I can’t help feeling like I am.
277. (11/9/12) I want to have sex with Jason so badly. I messaged him saying that if he was still down to be best fuck buddies he should text me when his roommates weren’t there to cockblock and he wasn’t passed out from taking 20 shots.
278. I really thought I was going to fuck him last night.
279. I would be the best fuck buddy ever. I don’t care if he gets with other girls as long as he picks me over them, I honestly don’t get attached because I have weird issues, his friends seem to really like me, they all say I’m mature for a freshman, and I know he thinks I’m hot. I hope he feels like a dumbass for drinking so much last night.
280. Doesn’t matter, had sex with Ken instead.
281. It hurt. A lot. But it also felt really good. So it was worth it.
282. I really, really honestly think I was right about this. I’m even kind of surprised about how little I’ve even been caring that I had sex for the first time. I thought I would have a lot more to say about it, but I really don’t.
283. Justin should stop trying to kiss me. This could get awkward.
284. Okay, it has to be said (I guess). I have to think about Camilo. I’ll do it later tonight, maybe when I take a shower.
285. I don’t know why I want to see Jason again so badly. His success rate of staying conscious for long enough is 2/5, which is really bad. I have my earrings back, I could probably have a pretty good thing with Ken (at least for a little while), and I feel like I could probably pretty easily find someone else. I don’t think I’m emotionally attached. I mean, I want to go over to his apartment to have sex with him, not to talk to him or something. But judging by the amount that I think about him, and the amount that I’ve written about him on here, there’s something going on. And it’s pissing me off.
286. My boobs have definitely gotten bigger since I started the pill. I’m not sure how I feel about it.
287. I made out with a girl at the club, and I can now safely say I definitely like guys more than girls and I know sexuality is a spectrum and everything but I don’t feel like I would ever lean in that direction. Like it was fun, but something just seemed a little off.
288. I really did like the gay club, though. It was nice to sort of have the attitude of knowing I looked hot but not having to have any guys there to prove it to myself. Like it showed me that I don’t need attention from guys to know that I’m sexy. Except of course I did let one of the only straight guys there finger me… but that was after coming to that relazation, so I guess it’s okay. And I was fully aware that he was kind of creepy and not really attractive. But I decided that I didn’t care. He was a good dancer and a good kisser, and ended up being good with his hands, plus it was dark, he was behind me, and I was never going to see him again, so it doesn’t really matter.
289. I’ve really missed partying the way I used to in Berkeley, like going out to frat parties and dancing and making out with randoms every single night. I don’t know if that just happens less here, or if I just haven’t found those parties yet. In a way, it seems like it might be a lot easier to do at a school that I don’t actually go to, because here you actually meet people at parties that you end up seeing again, and start figuring out the groups that people had. That would be a really weird group of friends, one that just made out with each other randomly. But I wish I could do that here more often without having to go to a club or something.
290. I can’t not post this. I know I’m inexperienced with sex seeing as I’ve only done it once but I almost screamed (in a good way) when he put it in for doggy style.
291. I always have to pee when I start hooking up with a guy. I can’t help it. I think being horny kind of feels like having to pee, but also if he’s on top of you, or his dick is hitting your bladder, or if you’re trying to be totally relaxed down there, it makes it worse. So I always go to the bathroom. And then I end up being in there for so long.
292. I think I might have peed on him… and the floor… a little… or a lot…. but he had sex with me after anyway… so…
293. I’m actually so excited to read all of these at the end of the year. I’m trying not to go through them until 2013.
294. I really miss Peet’s right now. Like not just the coffee, but sitting in the one on Shattuck and Kittredge, having a coffee out of their hipster cups, the quiet music, the chatter of the hipster girls, sitting on a tall chair and looking out the front window at the people at the bus stop, looking at the door, waiting for someone to come in, taking out your homework or lunch, going with Annie or Nicola, like I can just picture the front window of Peet’s so clearly, I didn’t even realize how much time I spent at that exact position on the earth until right now. It’s kind of freaking me out. Like I would notice if I went back over Thanksgiving or Christmas and the tables were moved. It’s crazy to imagine all of the places you’ve spent time when you’re not there anymore. I don’t mean a specific building or area, I mean like an exact seat. Like my last seat in my anatomy class. And I know I might read this again in a few years and the memories will have started to fade. And I don’t know how to concisely describe it in a way that will help me remember every last detail. Or my class in English, and Annie walking in late, where Emma sat, the clock on Mr. Bye’s desk, Nicolle and Sofia and everyone in the class… more than anything else, though, my bed at Jill’s house. Fuck, I wish I had taken a picture out the window laying down. The exact angles of the telephone wires… and now that Flynn is sleeping there, who knows if I’ll experience that again. I mean I’m sure I will but it won’t be the same. This makes me wonder, what exact location, like the ones I’ve been talking about, have I spent the most time in in my whole life? Probably my bed, but what would come after that? All I know is, that window seat better be open, or I’ll be going back every single day until I get to sit there.
295. I had sex with Ken again and it hurt way less but I texted him yesterday saying I had a really good time and that he should text me that night or the next if he was free, and he said he had to do something that night, and he never texted me today so I texted him at like 11:30 asking if he was free and he never texted back. It’s 1:22 now. Fuck that. I’m not even mad because I’m emotionally attached, I’m mad because I’m like sexually attached or something. It’s annoying.
296. I want whatever “the relationship where whenever I want to have sex with you on a weekend night you have to be available and say yes” is called.
297. I’m thinking about having sex with Camilo when I visit over Thanksgiving break. I don’t want to make things weird. I feel like I need to worry about him getting too attached to me. Like honestly I’m just doing it because I want to know what it would be like, and I know I’m going to be horny over break, plus I can’t help but see this as some movie where that would definitely happen eventually.
298. (11/20) I can’t have sex with Camilo because I couldn’t bring myself to tell Annie and that is that.
299. I guess it’s unrealistic to expect to go from virgin to girl with a reliable and quality fuck buddy within the first quarter of college.
300. I can drive stick.
301. Berkeley is my favorite city, hands down.
302. The foods I miss from home the most are pesto pasta, pancakes, soup, and macaroni and cheese.
303. I feel like now that I’m in college my relationship with Bridget will be better.
304. My favorite teacher I’ve ever had is Mr. Salser, AP Physics junior year of high school.
305. I don’t want to jinx it but I think I might have gotten 100% on my second Math 32A midterm. Like if you gave it back to me and told be my grade, and it wasn’t 100%, I honestly don’t think I would be able to tell you what I might have done wrong.
EDIT: 97%!! (“So?” SO??? SO THAT’S THE FUCKING ANSWER MOTHERFUCKER!!! ughhhh)
306. I think my most traumatizing/embarrassing moment was that time in sixth grade when I literally shat (shat?) myself while walking up the stairs.
307. (12/1) (just smoked) [3.5] TLC is my go-to channel.
308. I didn’t want to have sex with Justin or even really hook up with him but once we were almost doing it I changed my mind. Oh my god… it’s like the opposite of when a girl wants to hook up with a guy but then they’re about to have sex and she changes her mind.
309. I need more fresh food.
310. I can’t belive The Soup still has a “kick-ass clip of the week.”
311. I told Justin I had sex with someone after asking him if he had and he was like “of course not.” That was probably a bad idea.
312. I wish he had had sex since he’s been here.
313. I think the reason that I get along with him is because I don’t think he’s annoying, and I have a tendency to think I’m this special snowflake but I know I’m not but I still honestly believe I am… but he thinks I’m this really interesting paradox. I guess he just hasn’t met enough people yet.
314. My favorite kind of pie is blackberry. (See what I did there?)
315. I really want to get at least a 3.0 GPA.
316. I don’t want Madison to visit because I don’t have any friends yet.
317. If Justin is okay with it, I kinda of really like the way our relationship is right now.
318. (12/4) I think I’ve gained a tiny bit of weight but on me it really shows. Sometimes I don’t like the way I look in crop tops and I’m not okay with that. So I’m just going to try to be more healthy. I’m cutting out soda and I’m going to at least try to go for the more healthy option at the dining hall or takeout places. I’m also going to try to “binge” less. Well, it’s not exactly binging, I don’t think, but it’s obviously no good for you to eat half a bag of goldfish/cheeze its/cheetos. At least, until I think I’m back to normal and in crop tops every day.
319. I wish people dressed better here.
320. I really don’t like how clean Natalie is. I mean, come on. Who washes their hair ties?
321. (12/7) I can’t read the word “derivative” without using a Spanish accent because of my math professor.
322. I don’t want to be overconfident, but I think I’m going to pass chemistry.
323. (12/21) I thought I got a D in chem but it turns out my professor did something wrong and it’s actually a C+!
324. I got an A in my intro to bioengineering class and math.
325. I should just stop talking to people who I’m only trying to hook up with.
326. I don’t know why I’ve started drunk texting people. Maybe this year I’ll actually make some resolutions and stopping drunk texting can be one of them.
327. I’m also going to try to study way more in the library every single day because I think the reason I did so well in math was that doing the homework sort of forces me to study, but I didn’t have anything like that in chemistry.
328. I am hoping and praying that I’m not pregnant. I don’t even know if that would be possible since I was on the pill, but I’m so scared. I stopped taking the pill like 9 days ago after being on it for around 9 weeks and I still haven’y gotten my period.
329. I’m going to see if I can drive by myself to Lucky’s on Christmas Eve and buy a pregnancy test because Annie won’t be with me that day and they have a self-checkout there.
330. Annie is back! I don’t think things have changed too much. I can still follow all of her trains of thought and I still know what she’s thinking. Although I’m not sure how sharing this tiny room with her is going to work out.
331. (12/22) I got a 3.313 GPA for my first quarter.
332. I want to go back to the hookah bar in Ranch 99 tonight.
333. I hope I can still blow smoke rings.
334. I’m excited to finally see Annie and Carmen this evening.
335. I hope Essence is actually going to get me edibles.
336. I’m about to go make some coffee with my mom’s french press.
337. I think I’m going to do this 366 thing again next year (except it’ll be 365).
338. I’m realizing that I actually have friends in LA.
339. Jason texted me back after I drunk texted him on my birthday so that means I finally got the last word.
340. (12/23) I just bought a pregnancy test. I’m drinking water now so it’s only a matter of time before I know for sure. I honestly don’t think I’m pregnant. I think taking the pill for 9 weeks straight just messed up my cycle. I think I might go watch the episode of Degrassi where Emma thinks she’s pregnant. Or the one where Manny gets an abortion.
341. I am not pregnant.
342. (12/27) My mom took my handle and I totally called it that she would be willing to give it back but now I might have to ask for it back before we go to the G Eazy concert tonight.
343. I kind of actually do like Annie’s brother.
344. I would also fuck Josh.
345. Annie and I could never be roommates. I mean, she got ants in my room. What the fuck.
346. I kind of am ready to go back to LA. I miss the freedom that I have there and when I’m here I also kind of feel like I’m not accomplishing anything in my life and I don’t like that.
347. I bought the best fucking black sequined strapless crop top bandeau thing from Forever 21 yesterday. I’m so excited to wear it. I feel like it isn’t hipster enough to wear tonight but I might just do it anyway. I’m thinking about wearing that, my big dark jean jacket, the dark red skirt I got at H&M yesterday, black tights, and my boots from Pacsun. I don’t know though. I feel like it’s more slutty-flashy-hipster than stoner-hipster. Then again being hipster is half about just wearing whatever the fuck you want so I might just do it anyway.
348. I can’t believe this year is so close to being over, and that I might actually finish this 366 thing. I meant to do it about once per day, but it kind of evolved into a sporadic diary. That’s better than nothing, though. I’m excited to re-read it. I’ve read over the first part a couple of times, and I wish I hadn’t, but I haven’t really even looked at a lot of parts of it since I first wrote them. I already know it’s almost all going to be about my experiences this year with drugs, alcohol, and sex, rather that actual one or two sentence facts about myself, which is what I intended to do. Also, I feel like this 366 thing is interesting, but not really representative of all of the aspects of my life from this year. That always happens with diaries and journals though - the more stressful, exciting, interesting things that are easy to write about and I happen to be thinking about while I’m doing the writing end up discussed way more than the more mundane things, or the things that are too hard to write about concisely.
349. I’m not going to lie, though, 2012 was really the year of the beginning of my sexuality and drinking. I think I’ve changed a lot since last year because of that. Not in a bad way, though. I’m not trying to act like I know everything now, or that I’m a grown adult yet, but I know a lot more than I did before, and I think I’ve grown up a lot. I mean, I lost my virginity, I got drunk like every weekend, and I’ve learned who my real friends are (not in a dramatic way, I’ve just been more honest with myself about who (whom?) I actually give a shit about. I know I have a lot to learn still, but I think I learned more about myself and did a lot more growing up in 2012 than I did in any other year, ever. Who would have thought how important alcohol would become in my life? Like not in an alcoholic way or anything, but I just feel like I kind of became a “normal” teenager in that aspect of my life in the last year. My self-esteem has also gone up. I’m more confident in myself than I used to be. I don’t know if that comes from hooking up with people or not. I’ve said this before - Seventeen magazine would say yes, that’s accurate. And it’s a bad thing. But I disagree. I think it’s true that I sometimes put too much emphasis on going out and partying and hooking up, but overall, it’s been a good thing.
Another thing that’s different is my relationship with my family. It’s weird, I’m close with Jill, but it’s kind of awkward because I think I’m more open with her than she’s really comfortable with. I know she just wants me to be safe. And I get along with Bridget way better now. I think it’s a combination of me forgiving her, plus I feel like since I left for college, she’s been a lot less controlling or whatever (I don’t think that’s really the right word, though). The only thing is, though, is the way my relationship is with Dixie. I feel so bad about this, but I just don’t want to spend as much time with her as I do with Jill, and I can’t really put my finger on the reason. Like I would be fine with having dinner with her a few times while I was in the Bay Area, and staying in Berkeley for the rest of the time. And that makes me feel horrible! This is the first time I’ve ever said this: like, she had cancer. She could have died. So why do I only feel like spending a kind of limited amount of time with her? That makes me feel like such a horrible person.
350. (12/30) I think G-Eazy will be my new obsession for the next few weeks or so.
351. Seriously though, nothing could ever happen with me and Annie’s brother. He doesn’t smoke weed or like Thai or Indian food. I don’t know what we would do together. I just kind of wish I had gotten to know him better in high school. If I weren’t friends with Annie I might have been friends with him. I wonder if we had met each other in like middle school, how my, his, and Annie’s interests would have developed differently, because I feel like they both have always tried to be different from each other.
352. G-Eazy is literally the only person in the world who I think it is acceptable for him to gel his hair.
353. I’m knitting a bag now.
354. I bought yarn to make socks, so maybe I’ll actually make it happen in 2013.
355. I can’t believe how much more weed I smoke in LA compared to Berkeley.
356. I’m going to make a playlist of G-Eazy songs to have sex to. I mean I’m down to do it to any of them but I feel like the more stoner ones would be better.
357. I’m pretty sure I would be on my way to rehab right now if Dixie had found that handle instead of Jill.
358. Last night I smoked with Rabia and I was pretty high but after a certain point I was definitely pretending a little bit. I did it so that I could just sit there quietly and listen to my own music (G-Eazy) (SORRY) and not talk to anyone and eat three orders of fries and two pancakes and one and a half burgers and half a baf of circus animal cookies.
359. I’m so excited to have my own place and job in like ten years where I’m able to smoke like every night if I feel like. Like honestly, there’s no reason for me to be sober right now. I mean I don’t really mind it, but if I had weed right now and Dixie didn’t mind, I would DEFINITELY be smoking right now.
Also, I’m 100% relying on the assumption that weed will be totally legal by the time I retire.
360. I feel bad for Rabia’s mom and then I feel bad for being judgmental.
361. When I grow up and get married (hopefully I don’t ever look back on that and look at it as wishful thinking) it’s going to have to be to a guy who understands that around a third of the nights I’m going to go to a different room and watch tv or something and eat food by myself for like nine straight hours. I value this time so much. I’m glad that I actually kind of get it in college sometimes.
362. I’m going to take the other pregnancy test at some point tomorrow, so I’ll save #366 for the results. I’m not really worried at all, just kind of wondering when I’m going to get my period.
363. I want to read these SO BADLY. It’s taking so much self control to wait until the 1st.
364. I got my pizza from my and Julian’s bet and I’m so happy because it means I had sex and it wasn’t Camilo and I was right and Julian was wrong and I got a FREE PIZZA.
365. I just realized I never talked about the weird fight I got into with Camilo over Facebook message. Basically I told him I was a cunt and I wasn’t going to change and he doesn’t deserve my bullshit and now we just don’t ever, ever talk. And I realize that it kind of makes me an even worse person for not really giving a fuck. Like this happened like a month ago, and I’m just now talking about it? I don’t know. I just feel like I’ve moved past worrying about him since I’ve been in LA.
This is a terrible way to end this, especially if that pregnancy test comes out positive.
Whatever, let’s talk about this instead! (Oh no I’m cheating at the project… oh well.) I think it’s really interesting that Waspy by G-Eazy has the lyrics “she only loves sex, money, and drugs,” and then there’s that song by Lil Wayne, “Pussy, Money, Weed,” and in that new song by Ludacris says “written on my tombstone should say women, weed, and alcohol.” I guess the last one is kind of different but still. Ugh this is terrible. I feel like I need to end this with something hella deep so that I don’t look back (and hopefully I’ll be able to find this later in life!) and think, “yep… this dumbass shit really summed up 2012.” Oh well. I guess this whole 366 thing is kind of its own little clusterfuck anyway. Just like the year 2012. Cool.